I swear…there is nothing on TV to watch that you don’t hear about someone’s “junk”.
We have to see the commercials about men and their urinary problems, or worse. How many different drugs are there now to keep things down there, um…ready to roll? Who knew there was such a market for that anyhow? Are there that many guys in this country with borked junk?
Sure, sure…we’ve been hearing way more than I want to about female issues, too. Those women who talk to the little lady on the bathroom door need way more that something for urinary urgency. A good shrink or some anti-psychotics, maybe. And seriously, I am glad we are past pouring blue water into a pad on TV, but I really don’t get feel a need for a 1950’s style synchronized swimming number…especially when it has to do with birth control. Really? Gah.
And I know we have been subjected to more than anyone ever needs to know about John and Lorena Bobbett…something about having your junk cut off and thrown out of a moving vehicle that captures media attention.
But on Christmas Day 2009, one idiot topped them all. “The Nigerian”, as he was referred to by two terrorist planners in a communication overheard November by CIA agents, tried to blow up a plane headed into Detroit. How? Well, I am glad you asked. This guy made his UNDERWEAR into a BOMB!
A powder explosive was sewn into the crotch of his ["girlie looking" according to my DH] garment [the comments on this link are priceless]…the detonator to which apparently didn’t work very well. He ended up catching the blanket on fire and parts of his clothing…in the process sustaining some burns that required a short hospital stay.
Of course, since we call Richard Reid [who used the same powder in his tennis shoe for his device] the “Shoe Bomber”, it stands to reason that this guy will forevermore be known as “The Underwear Bomber”.
This annoys my husband to no end.
“Anyone who tries to blow up a plane by first blowing up his crotch needs a stupider name than that.”
“You don’t think ‘the Underwear Bomber‘ is stupid enough?”
“No.”
“I don’t think ‘the Underwear Bomber‘ is going to garner a lot of respect in prison.”
“Maybe not, but they need to call him something else.”
“Like what?”
“Like ‘the idiot who tried to blow up his junk‘…”
“Really? That’s awesome, honey…”
“Shut up. Maybe ‘Roasted Nuts‘ or ‘Blistered Balls‘…?”
“That’s um, more festive…works for me…”
“I got it. ‘Toasted Junk‘.”
Thanks, Farouk, you dumbass. Now I gotta hear about your junk 24/7 on every news broadcast…and probably get MY fat old lady junk blown up on some big screen full body scan next time I fly. Very nice. I hate terrorists. Why don’t you all go practice blowing up your junk in the desert. I wish you much success.
I made a deal with Steve before we got out of bed…three hours ago. I would make coffee and take it to him in bed if he would make us breakfast. I am still waiting. And it’s lunch time now. I just told him that. Dammit.
I said, “3 hours ago I took you coffee.”
He said, “Yes, and it’s gone now…by the way.”
I said, “Uh huh. The deal was I bring you coffee and you make me breakfast.”
“I’m going to make you brunch.”
“When? In time for dinner?”
“I just wanted to do this one thing…”
Is it just me or is there always just “one more thing” whenever I ask for something? I mean, it’s not like I ask for that many things. The garbage to be taken out…or the recycling. The litter box. You know, guy stuff. An occasional breakfast on Boxing Day…since I cooked two meals and did three loads of dishes and cleaned the kitchen twice yesterday.
Maybe the next time he hollers “Honey, can you bring me some toilet paper…?”, I’ll say…
OK, normally, I avoid shopping on Christmas Eve like the plague. I had no choice today, because I have been out of town and we had no food. So…off to Walmart I went. It was raining, and cold, with a winter storm warning just a few hours away.
It was as I expected. Crowded, crazy, loaded with grumpy, selfish, rude people. Standing in big clumps in the aisles…thinking over their choices like no one else is trying to get anything done and it’s all about them. They are more special and therefore, entitled to cut in front of you or waste your time arguing with the clerk over $0.03 on one tiny thing in the checkout line when they have 500 tiny little items left to ring up.
I continued on, trying to stay out of the way of the nutballs. It was like an obstacle course…evasive action and strategic corrections were needed often. I was in a completely defensive mode, just trying to keep from being hit. I actually laughed out loud, though, when I overheard a young couple at their cart.
He, manning the cart filled with groceries and one toddler: “OK, how are we going to manage this…that aisle is completely blocked. I don’t think I can get in there.”
She, pregnant with #2: “Stay here. I’ll go get it and come back.”
He: “OK, be careful…”
She: “I will. OK. Wait here. I’m going in.”
I busted out laughing and they grinned at me, as she sprinted into the crowded aisle.
“Brave.” I said to him as I scooted past.
“Yeah. That’s my girl.” he said.
I turned down a mostly empty lane to cut over to the other side of the grocery section. When I came out of the aisle there was a cart stopped in front of me. A couple my age, again, the man behind the cart.
He: “Ooh! Sorry!”
She: “Honey! I told you, this is serious stuff! You can’t just STOP in the lane. You’ll kill someone!”
Again, I burst out laughing. She grinned at me and said, “Sorry. He’s an amateur.”
I swear, I couldn’t stop laughing then.
A woman in shiny copper go go boots and a faux fur coat telling her teenager to get chips:
Kid: “What kind of chips?”
Faux Fur Lady: “Those ruffly kind…you know. And we’ll get some dip…”
Kid: “We have dip at home, right?”
FFL: “I’m NOT eating THAT dip.”
LOL…okaaaay. Poor kid.
Once I started laughing, everything got better, or at least seemed easier to deal with. I walked out of the store into a full on winter storm. Snow, cold, wind howling. Now I am home…fire going, cat curled next to the laptop, Snuggie on. Yes, I have one…actually, I have two. So. Make fun if you will. They are warm.
Not planning to leave the house for a couple days. By then it should be sunny and 70F. It is Texas, after all. Merry Christmas, y’all.
My cat is awesome. I know, you cat haters don’t get this. But the fact that just getting a belly rub can put you into this state of bliss? Well, gee. That is just incredibly cool.
So I think this will be my new goal. Try to find something simple…to be able to bring this kind of joy and peace, even temporarily. Meditation, crossword puzzles, exercise…something. I will keep you apprised.
Every year I end up getting this e-mail from at least two people. Now, it’s not that I don’t pick up a penny or wish on a star once in awhile, but I don’t think the Internet…as powerful and cool as it is…has any ability to give, or take luck from me. Read more ›
Well, part of the move we made here to Texas sort of screwed up our frequent weekends and yearly vacations to one of the many locations available with our timeshare. We don’t have time anymore, what with the job and the extra work of starting my business over.
Plus, we have palm trees, a pool and a jacuzzi here in the backyard…so to be honest, I have a little mini vacation every day. But I hate for this awesome timeshare to go to waste, and I hate to keep paying for something I just don’t have time to use. So, I made the painful decision to sell it. We sure have had fun with it.
This 4th of July, we should all take some time to remember the men and women shaping and protecting our Country… from the Founders and Patriots who formed our Nation Under God, to our Heroes today who have made the ultimate sacrifice, in order to give us the freedom and abundance we enjoy today. God bless them and their families.
God Bless America.
The following is from an e-mail sent to me by a dear friend. Grab a box of Kleenex and watch the video below:
Killed in action the week before, the body of Staff Sergeant First Class John C. Beale was returned to Falcon Field in Peachtree City, Georgia, just south of Atlanta, on June 11, 2009. The Henry County Police Department escorted the procession to the funeral home in McDonough, Georgia. A simple notice in local papers indicated the road route to be taken and the approximate time.
Nowadays one can be led to believe that America no longer respects honor and no longer honors sacrifice outside the military. Be it known that there are many places in this land where people still recognize the courage and impact of total self-sacrifice. Georgia remains one of those graceful places. The link below is a short travelogue of that day’s remarkable and painful journey. But only watch this if you wish to have some of your faith in people restored. Please [right click to copy the link for this post and] share widely.
Happy Independence day, Y’all! Have loads of fun…please be safe…and don’t forget what we’re celebrating today. There are folks who want to kill us for it or take it away from us EVERY DAY!
Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, John Belushi, Anna Nicole Smith, Heath Ledger, Judy Garland, River Phoenix, Chris Farley…and it seems to look as if, Michael Jackson. Read more ›
Michael Jackson has died. He was only a couple of years older than me. I am sad, and stunned. And a bit disgusted at the media, and some of the folks on Twitter and FaceBook for the crass comments about the accusations made against him. Read more ›
Sometimes things happen all at once in life. It feels like everything is coming from all sides and you’re just under attack, right? It doesn’t have to be a major illness, a death, a horrific tragedy. Sometimes, it’s just enough of the everyday…all at once…
That’s where I am right now. It’s really hard to decide what to focus on, what disaster to give your attention. Read more ›
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into the crotch of his ["girlie looking" according to my DH] garment [the comments on this link are priceless]…the detonator to which apparently didn’t work very well. He ended up catching the blanket on fire and parts of his clothing…in the process sustaining some burns that required a short hospital stay.
got better, or at least seemed easier to deal with. I walked out of the store into a full on winter storm. Snow, cold, wind howling. Now I am home…fire going, cat curled next to the laptop, 
and women shaping and protecting our Country… from the Founders and Patriots who formed our Nation Under God, to our Heroes today who have made the ultimate sacrifice, in order to give us the freedom and abundance we enjoy today. God bless them and their families.
